HOW TO HANDLE KING JONG - ILL

From Scrappleface:

The United Nations Security Council, outraged at this week’s missile tests by a nuclear-capable North Korea, takes up debate today on a resolution to sanction that nation’s dictator with “one minute of time-out for each missile launched.”

According to a draft resolution being circulated by the Russian ambassador to the U.N., the time-out sanction would mean that North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il would have to “sit still in a comfortable chair with his hands on his knees, and could not speak to anyone for a full seven minutes, unless he has to go to the bathroom, or get a drink, or if he gets a bellyache, at which point the U.N. would be compelled to provide humanitarian aide.”

The resolution calls for a U.N. team to travel to Pyongyang to monitor compliance.

Although the U.S., Japan and South Korea are said to support such an aggressive response, because it would force Mr. Kim to “think about what he has done,” China threatened to wield its veto power.

“Punishment does not correct behavior,” said an unnamed Chinese diplomat, “because the bad behavior springs from low self-esteem, and sanctions would only make Mr. Kim feel worse about himself.”

“We must find ways to catch Mr. Kim doing good things and then praise him for it,” the source said, “and if he continues to launch missiles, it should only increase our sympathy for him.”

A leading U.S. psychologist agreed with the Chinese strategy.

“It’s likely that Mr. Kim had a rough childhood,” said the unnamed expert, “since his Dad spent most of his time at work being revered as a god, and probably never said ‘I love you’ to little Kim.”